Believe me when I say
It's not about your scars
It's all about your heart".
Those are lyrics from a favorite song of mine. All these years I had translated that mention of "scars" as having symbolic purpose in my personal life. Now I find them physically literal in meaning.
First of all, it's been months since I've updated this nifty little blog of mine. Just so you know, nursing school is a doozy.
But something else happened over the course of those months. Something pretty life changing, I dare say. Just so you know, I'm about to skip around a lot in relating details of an experience, so just bear with me.
On Thursday, November 6, 2014 I came home from a long clinical day from school. I couldn't wait to tell my parents about all the cool things I did and how much I was learning. But it turned out that my parents had some news for me too. They sat me down and told me that the doctor's office called with the results of my recent biopsy. That day, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.
I'll tell you what...the rest of November was a doozy! School got really intense, I had a mini heartbreak in my dating life (haha), and now I knew that I was sick. Thankfully though, time seemed to race away. Before I knew it, I was going in for surgery just about a month later. December 9th, I had my whole thyroid removed along with a number of lymph nodes in my neck that the cancer had spread to. I spent the rest of my Christmas break recovering from my surgery. Despite suggestions to take a semester off, in January I decided to act on overwhelming feelings of faith and go back to school for the spring semester. That being said, January to May were probably some of the most stressful, exhausting, and challenging months of my life so far. Although it was extremely trying, I constantly saw the Lord's hand working in and for me to bear me up when it was otherwise impossible. A couple of months ago in May, I had some radiation therapy to help destroy some lingering cancerous tissue. Since then, I've been trying to relax and catch my breath as life has slowed down a bit.
So what does any of this have to do with scars, or with my blog posts about true beauty?
Because I had my thyroid removed, I now have a scar on my neck.
At first, this was a minor issue to me. Life felt so intense that I didn't have time to think about it. In fact, the only times I really thought about it were when a patient or friend of mine would ask me. Sometimes I would tell the truth, sometimes I would say I was in a knife fight... because that's totally understandable for me. But recently, as I've had the time to slow down, recover, and focus on myself a little more, my scar started to bother me.
During this experience, I've kept up with the stories of others who have gone through the same things I have. I began to notice how quickly their scars were fading, and how mine seemingly wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it's not as fresh as it was right after surgery, but it's still noticeable. Even one of my doctor's pointed out how it still has it's color. Had I done something wrong? Why did it not heal as quickly as others? In June, I realized it had been six months since my surgery. Although I was grateful for how far I had come and the miracles I had seen, I had hoped that my scar would have been more faded by now.
By this time, every time I looked in the mirror, I noticed my scar. I felt like it was an inconvenient place to have a scar. It was right below my face and people were sure to notice it. I felt like it was a constant reminder of my imperfections. Imperfections in my physical appearance, and imperfections in my health. I really didn't want any more reminders of that. Truth be told, it was seriously starting to bring me down, but I didn't really talk about it to anyone. Of course my mom knew how I felt, but I didn't think anyone else would understand my concern, or maybe I would come off as ungrateful. I would get responses like, "I can barely notice it" or "But at least you're alive". Those truly would have been positive, truthful, and encouraging answers, but I couldn't find relief in those words at the time.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My beautiful and dear friend Jodi invited me to go up north with her family for the 4th of July weekend. It was seriously such a blast and nothing short of an adventure.
So what does any of this have to do with scars, or with my blog posts about true beauty?
Because I had my thyroid removed, I now have a scar on my neck.
At first, this was a minor issue to me. Life felt so intense that I didn't have time to think about it. In fact, the only times I really thought about it were when a patient or friend of mine would ask me. Sometimes I would tell the truth, sometimes I would say I was in a knife fight... because that's totally understandable for me. But recently, as I've had the time to slow down, recover, and focus on myself a little more, my scar started to bother me.
During this experience, I've kept up with the stories of others who have gone through the same things I have. I began to notice how quickly their scars were fading, and how mine seemingly wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it's not as fresh as it was right after surgery, but it's still noticeable. Even one of my doctor's pointed out how it still has it's color. Had I done something wrong? Why did it not heal as quickly as others? In June, I realized it had been six months since my surgery. Although I was grateful for how far I had come and the miracles I had seen, I had hoped that my scar would have been more faded by now.
By this time, every time I looked in the mirror, I noticed my scar. I felt like it was an inconvenient place to have a scar. It was right below my face and people were sure to notice it. I felt like it was a constant reminder of my imperfections. Imperfections in my physical appearance, and imperfections in my health. I really didn't want any more reminders of that. Truth be told, it was seriously starting to bring me down, but I didn't really talk about it to anyone. Of course my mom knew how I felt, but I didn't think anyone else would understand my concern, or maybe I would come off as ungrateful. I would get responses like, "I can barely notice it" or "But at least you're alive". Those truly would have been positive, truthful, and encouraging answers, but I couldn't find relief in those words at the time.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My beautiful and dear friend Jodi invited me to go up north with her family for the 4th of July weekend. It was seriously such a blast and nothing short of an adventure.
One night before bed, Jodi and I were talking with her sister Debra Jo. I don't remember how we started talking about it, but somehow, me having thyroid cancer came up in our discussion. We talked about so many things, and even talked about my scar. I remember Debra Jo asking me if my scar ever bothered me. For the first time, I told the truth about my feelings to someone besides my mom. I told her how it hadn't until recently, and how I was trying to shake off those negative feelings. As for what Debra Jo said next, I don't remember her exact words, but I do remember my feelings. She said that she imagined it could be challenging having a scar there, but that I didn't need to feel bad about it because I was beautiful. My heart was flooded with an overwhelming feeling of peace and love.
I knew that I had just experienced a tender mercy from the Lord. It was a calm assurance that He cared and was aware of my feelings. He answered me in such a beautiful and simple way, and I'm so grateful that Jodi and here sister are blessed with the sweet spirit to act on promptings. In my eyes, it was a miracle. That moment, my scar was not taken away, but I gained greater understanding and was once again reminded of things I knew, but had perhaps forgotten.
The beauty that I truly seek is the beauty that Heavenly Father sees and designed me for. With his definition of beauty, it doesn't matter whether I'm in heels or sneakers, what color my eyes are, or whether I'm wearing pearls around my neck, or a scar. What matters is what I am doing with the light he has placed inside of me. The light of Christ.
Am I following His ways? Am I loving others. Am I seeking to be refined by my trials, rather than hindered by them? Am I holding onto virtue? Am I cultivating a "beauty of holiness"? Am I remembering that I am a Child of God, and so is everyone that I meet? Am I choosing to smile, or laugh instead?
By living in such a way, I can feel truly confident in my divinity no matter what my outward appearance brings. I don't need to worry about my scar so much. Despite my tiny fears, it won't be the sole thing that prevents me from progressing, helping others, or even going on dates. If our hearts are in the right place, we can find beauty in the most simple of things.
I was sent to this earth to become like Christ and to return to Heavenly Father. That is made possible through a beautiful and great plan filled with happiness, and the center of that plan is Jesus Christ. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I know that I can find everlasting beauty, worth and purpose no matter what trials or storms surround me. Even Christ is scarred, and those have to be the most beautiful scars that the world will ever know, because they were for us.
"The wounds in his hands, feet, and side are signs that in mortality painful things happen even to the pure and the perfect, signs that tribulation is not evidence that God does not love us. It is a significant and hopeful fact that it is the wounded Christ who comes to our rescue. He who bears the scars of sacrifice, the lesions of love, the emblems of humility and forgiveness is the Captain of our Soul. That evidence of pain in mortality is undoubtedly intended to give courage to others who are also hurt and wounded by life." -Jeffrey R. Holland
I don't fully understand why I have been given the opportunity to experience these trials. And I don't know why my scar hasn't faded as well as others. But I do know that my scar is a symbol of my healing process, and that Christ is the ultimate physician who has led me along. I am so grateful for all that I am learning, and for the friends that have surrounded me with love. There has truly been beauty all around, and I haven't even mentioned the half of it. I know that there is only more to come! So just remember, it takes more than a first glance to recognize the beauty in a scar, but it's there for sure!
